Sunday, February 6, 2011

This is really hard...

I've been unemployed for quite some time. They do stories on the news about people that have been unemployed for months and years and mention how it can be really depressing. It really can be.

1. At first, it's great. Sleeping in. Watching Ellen at 9am. Or Tivo it and watch it at 2pm when all that is on TV is soap operas and infomercials. Or maybe you woke up at 10 and missed it. Sometimes you wake up at 8 and are able to get a lot of things done that day. But then time passes and you don't want to sleep in, but you do anyway just so you don't have to be alone and bored for the whole day. Now you only have half a day to work with. And that's alright. My body is now used to waking up at 7:45. I feel guilty that I don't spend the morning with Stephen. I don't know why I can't make myself get out of bed...for him.

2. In the beginning I was so motivated to do little craft projects, clean the house, get the laundry done. It was awesome being productive because I had the whole day to do it. But then time passes and it is very hard to find the motivation to do any of it. It can take me 4 days to do laundry when it used to take 1.

3. I've almost lost my desire to cook new things. I feel guilty that even though I'm home all day, I still can't have dinner ready for when Stephen gets home. What's wrong with me?

4. Because of this blizzard we had last week, people all over the internet were talking about how they had major cabin fever after 3 days. I didn't know what to think about it. Because I haven't been working for quite some time, I'll go days without leaving the house. I get cabin fever all the time. Now that's probably my own fault. But, when you aren't making an income and you know money is tight, why go somewhere and be tempted to spend money? It was hard to justify the occasional mocha frappe. But I will say, I did leave the house. For my sanity. I'd go to the park, the library, visit Stephen for lunch. Everyone has their own perspective, I guess.

5. Spending the day at home, I pretty much felt like I vegged all day. Even if I did get some things done. It's quiet, sometimes lonely, and boring. So when Stephen gets home, I immediately want to talk to him, see how his day was, do something together, anything for some interaction. But I forget sometimes that he might want to veg for awhile. Have some down time. It's been hard to find that middle ground.

6. Then you always have that underlying fact that you need to look for a job. Trust me, I've applied for lots of things. Lots of different things. But you begin to feel like you aren't good enough. You don't have the skills, the experience, the knowledge. No one calls you back. You're worthless.

7. And that's depressing.

8. To feel like you haven't wasted a year and a half of your life is hard. To feel like you aren't good at anything is hard. To be alone all day is hard. To have some days go by where you don't talk to anyone is hard. To be reminded at times by terrible memories as to how you became unemployed in the first place is really hard. To forget about those and move on is hard. To know that God has a plan for me during this trying time is even hard. The guilt is hard.

9. It's hard to find yourself. What do you want to do for a career?...I don't know. That's scary.

10. Anyway. Here's what I've come to terms with. I want to be happy and I know that part of being happy is just by doing something. Something that will get me out of the house and be productive. Something that will make me feel like I am contributing to our financial peace and the future we want to have. I'm not looking for a climb the ladder corporate career. I just want to leave my house everyday and go to work. Then come back and be motivated to do the things I need to do at home.

11. Now...I might have that chance. I was offered a job to work at a call center for HP for InsureOklahoma. Not a huge call center, just like 25 people. And it's not even really a call center like most people would think of one. I would be helping people enroll in the insurance program and doing some paperwork. Easy. I hope. It's not anything glamorous, and that's okay with. I have a friend that works for HP so that will be really nice to see her at work. Granted I still have to have a phone interview with the HR department of HP and then be sent an official offer even though the manager in OKC already wants me. Honestly, he'd probably just take a warm body, but I had a pretty good interview and I have a degree so there.

12. Plus, I'm worth something. I'm so better than all of this emotional crap I've had to go through over the past year or so. I can't wait for me to be working again and then in a few years can honestly have put all of this behind me.

3 comments:

Rick said...

Megs...you poured your soul out in those comments. Things always get better because you are surrounded by family who loves you.

Liesel said...

Megan, if you ever need to call, feel free. I'm generally doing the same sorts of things you described, just with three kids interrupting me :)!

Janet said...

You ARE worth something and I'm so happy for you that you did get your job. God does have a wonderful plan for you and as you pressed through the loneliness, the guilt, the feelings of worthlessness you still were sensitive to your hubby's needs, aware of the positive things you were doing and able to focus outside of yourself. Those are wonderful things. I'm so proud of you and how you hung in there. Praying for you. Thinking of you often!